Recently, I’ve been listening to the soundtrack of the movie “Cheech and Chong’s Up in Smoke” day in and day out.

Up in smoke
That's where my money goes
In my lungs
And sometimes up my nose
When troubled times
Begin to bother me
I take a toke
And all my cares
Go up in smoke

It is a movie about two stoners and their adventures while being happily high. One rich hippie and a Mexican team to make a band and eventually win a “Rock Fight” by getting the whole audience high on high-quality marijuana. I must have seen the movie 10 times now. Those who haven’t seen it, I reckon you go and rent the DVD or something.

Don't believe me? Check out the promo.

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The books are gone. So are most of the cloths. Basic make up stuff remains, as if to remind me of a feminine existence in my life. Do I really want it? I suppose so. Something is not right when I am alone. I won’t call it loneliness but a sense of aimlessness. On a normal day, I’d be in deep sleep by now, though I’d only have a part of my bed. But here I lay awake, trying to type out a literary masterpiece.

What a joke

I try to read a P.G. Wodehouse book – not that it interests me. I just want to doze off.

Am I the only one feeling this way? I am pretty sure others are snoring peacefully; happily ignorant of the demons I am fighting this time of the night.

Why everything seem so distant right now when I remember the closeness distinctly. I vividly remember the time when everything seemed possible – everything was there right at the palm of my hand. I know I was not strong enough to grasp it. Am I stronger now?

I guess not

Everyday there’s a race to get ahead of the game…at least by a couple of hundred bucks. No matter how many rosy dreams the payday brings, every month end is the same story of “Please lend me a couple of hundreds”. I am getting sick of it myself. I wonder it affect people around me.

How can I expect you to stay with me when all I do is take, take and take. Maybe someday, I’ll give back everything – all things good and bad you have given me. Maybe then we will be in equal terms. Till then I guess I’ll have to be a wimp…like I’ve been for most of my past life.

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