The books are gone. So are most of the cloths. Basic make up stuff remains, as if to remind me of a feminine existence in my life. Do I really want it? I suppose so. Something is not right when I am alone. I won’t call it loneliness but a sense of aimlessness. On a normal day, I’d be in deep sleep by now, though I’d only have a part of my bed. But here I lay awake, trying to type out a literary masterpiece.

What a joke

I try to read a P.G. Wodehouse book – not that it interests me. I just want to doze off.

Am I the only one feeling this way? I am pretty sure others are snoring peacefully; happily ignorant of the demons I am fighting this time of the night.

Why everything seem so distant right now when I remember the closeness distinctly. I vividly remember the time when everything seemed possible – everything was there right at the palm of my hand. I know I was not strong enough to grasp it. Am I stronger now?

I guess not

Everyday there’s a race to get ahead of the game…at least by a couple of hundred bucks. No matter how many rosy dreams the payday brings, every month end is the same story of “Please lend me a couple of hundreds”. I am getting sick of it myself. I wonder it affect people around me.

How can I expect you to stay with me when all I do is take, take and take. Maybe someday, I’ll give back everything – all things good and bad you have given me. Maybe then we will be in equal terms. Till then I guess I’ll have to be a wimp…like I’ve been for most of my past life.

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Hmmm…it’s been long since I’ve been thinking of what ‘direction’ this blog should go in. Today…I finally decided to make it my online diary. Of course it will be utter stupidity to put down every thing that I think of for the world to see. But then – I am well known for that trait.

Its early morn now and there ain’t much to write about for today, except for that I did my laundry at 8 in the morning. That was after I took a walk with a bruised leg that hurt like hell.
Why the self-torture?
Well, I was angry, and I still am – and I love to put myself into test when I’m angry. Good that I have just the perfect place to loose myself and vent out everything inside me today…the Sepultura concert! Just the perfect mood to go for a Heavy Metal show. Right now ‘Desperate Cry’ is literally blasting off my sound box. Feels good.

Now why am I angry?...or am I actually angry?
I don’t know.
Maybe I’m just a bit hurt. But being angry seems much easier than being hurt. Don’t ya think? If you’re hurt, you’re actually admitting that someone else has control over your life. I don’t like the idea of someone’s actions having any effect on my mood. But the fact that I am angry, also indicate the same thing.
Maybe the control of my life is no longer in my hands…no matter how fucked up my life was while it was.

They say there’s a song for every situation. I am a firm believer. Right now, I am ‘Its been a while’ by Stained.

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